In Disbelief...

As promised I am back =) its been a while and I have been so behind in my blogging. My mind is always racing and my hands are at times doodling ideas but as everyone else I get caught up on life and have not had the time to type it all up. Im going to rewind a bit to 2015. 

As I mentioned before, 2014-2015 was full of crazy events. The beginning of the year started off a bit rough, but by mid year things were looking up for my family and I. I look back now and think how did I get through all that? How is it that time has passed so fast? I remember crying in the shower, praying and asking God why. There are many things in life that I don't share, although it does seem like I share every minute of my life on Instagram. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were ecstatic, I was pregnant once again and I could not be more excited. After my boys passing, I was determined that I wanted to try again. I wanted to fulfill that dream of becoming a mommy. And here we were, once again with a positive pregnancy test. I remember shaking in the bathroom and didn't know how to surprise my husband with the great news. I ended up writing him a letter, leaving it in our bedroom for him to come home to while I took Little Jacob to Jiu Jitsu. In the letter I included that I wanted to have dinner at my favorite restaurant (Shabu Shabu Bar) since I was eating for two. I will never forget the joy in my husbands voice when he called me, not to mention the warming hug when I saw him. We were over the moon and could not wait to tell our parents. We discussed that we wouldn't say anything until after my first doctors appointment, we wanted to make sure everything was ok. however that didn't happen because we couldn't contain our excitement. We told our parents the following day, our moms were super excited but my dad however, he seemed a bit surprised. He talked to me and asked me if I was ready to be pregnant once again after the passing of our boys. I guess I was too excited to even think about my emotions and I answered yes. I now look back and realize that my dad was just scared, but of course he was not going to share that with me. I honestly think I wasn't ready, I just wanted something so bad and was glad to accomplish it.That week, I began to have brown discharge. I figured it was nothing bad since at times us woman have that at the beginning of our pregnancy, a day went by and while I was at work I began to bleed bright red. Deep down inside I knew that it wasn't normal, that same night i began to cramp and passed a tissue like blood clot. My husband and I drove to the emergency room. We sat in the hospital quiet and scared but knew that whatever the end result was, we would over come this together and with the help of our God. After hours of being in the Emergency room, blood tests, and ultrasounds, the doctor came in to talk to us. She mentioned that my body was going through a miscarriage. I remember just looking at her and being ok with it. But I really wasn’t, I was distraught, I was crying in the inside. When I asked what was next, she said nothing, that my body would do all the work. When walking out of the hospital, I walked out as if nothing had happened. I now realize that I was completely numb to pain, numb to walking and leaving hospitals with bad news. It was normal to me. 

I never wanted to share my miscarriage, I felt so broken, I felt like less of a woman. I felt embarrassed that people would think, “AGAIN”.  I felt like I would never give my husband what his heart desired. Why would God make me go through all this and not allow me to have what my heart truly desires. You see, I look back and see how I use to live life. How I would contradict my way of living. I would say “Im going to leave it in Gods hands.” Yet I planned everything, I wrote everything in my agenda, I tracked my ovulation on my app, I pee’d on a stick to check my ovulation. I realize that I wasn't allowing God to take control, I wasn't demonstrating how strong my faith and trust was for him. But I was scared, I was scared that his plans weren't what I wanted. After all, I had four unsuccessful pregnancies. I felt like my prayers were not being answered. 

I wanted some type of answers, something was not right. I made sure to email my doctor, she quickly responded and asked me to go in and meet with her that week. Goodness I will never forget that meeting. As my husband and I sat there asking for an explanation, or a treatment or test that we can go through, she answered that there was none. She said that I “had” a condition that at the time was not treatable. She explained that my body created “placenta depositions” which means it created extra scar tissue blocking the nutrients that babies need to receive. I asked how is it not possible to treat that, she explained that they are not capable of seeing the placenta during an ultrasound, and would not be able to determine until the placenta comes out. She explained that those are most likely the reasons why I had my miscarriages as well. I was so confused and asked so what can I do. She looked at me and said, at this point I don't think that you will be able to carry on a full term pregnancy, she continued with looking into surrogacy. I was in disbelief, how can I only be 26 years old and literally be told that I cant have children. My husband and I, once again walked out of the hospital with tears running down our face and broken hearted. 

The next day we met with “Infertility” where they broke the news that we were looking at about an $80,000 procedure not guaranteeing that the sperm and the egg would take. The state of California does not cover surrogacy so everything comes out of our own pocket. We knew right away that surrogacy was not an option. We sat down for lunch, and I reminded my husband that when we first started dating I mentioned to him that I would like to adopt. We agreed that we would start the process. That week I started my research and got in contact with many adoption agencies. I finally found a local one and began the process.

We were both excited for this new chapter, so many things would change but it felt good, to know that together we over came some of the hardest battles any couple would face. I cant lie that as I type this I have tears running down my face. It was so hard to face the fact that I went through so many loses, and even harder to be told that something was wrong with me and I could not have children. But I never lost my faith in God, I will admit that I stopped going to church, but never gave up on my faith. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the reason I am #STILLSTANDING. 

I look in the mirror and know I am one in four. I am one in 435,000, I am more than just a statistic, I am a mother with children in heaven. Im a PROUD mother at that. I am INVINCIBLE!

I will continue to keep my promise, I will continue to keep my boys names alive, and be an advocate for miscarriage and infant loss. INFANT LOSS, I hate the term loss, because reality is my children are not lost. I know exactly where they are <3 

 

I leave you with this…

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted…”-Psalm 34:18

And believe me when you read this, I promise you it’s true! Don't you ever doubt that.

Always,

Yours Truly


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