Happy Birthday Malakai

From tossing and turning all night, and my husband rubbing my back hopinbg to relax me, all I could think of was I cant believe it's already a year. A year ago I was in the hospital giving birth to my Little warrior. I say little because he was little, he was a little person and goodness did he fight for his life.  The pain I'm living with now I don't think will ever compare to the pain Malakai had to deal with. 

Malakai, 

Your daddy and I promised that every day we would live life to the fullest. I know you see me struggling day by day, I know you see my heart shatter every time I see parents bonding with their children, wishing that could be me.  I know you see and feel the pain I go through everyday, after all you and your brother are the only ones that know my heart from the inside. I promise to continue trying my best for you and your brother. you never fail to show me signs when I'm at my worst. Only you know when that smile I throw on is fake and I need you more than ever. Never fails though, there's always a white butterfly, or orange black to make me feel that much better. You taught me so much in the short amount of time that you were here. I will never forget your big eyes staring into mine as you gasped for air, while laying on my chest. All I could think of how amazing you are, you put up a fight for eight months. You fought your entire life! I thank you and God every day for allowing me to be your mother. I am so honored to hold the title of a mommy to such amazing boys. I know you are flying high with all the angels up above, and I hope that you are having a beautiful Birthday baby. I Love You, with all that I am and all that I ever will be. 

P.S. The amount of love you received from everyone was insane ;)

Everything about today was beautiful, and not to mention the skies to end the night. It was Jacob's first day of 5th grade, he is now too cool for his parents to walk him into class. Lighting candles at church in Malakai's honor brought so much peace into my day, it's like I wanted to yell and scream the pain I felt, but being in church with my husband, God, and my boys just put me at ease. Lighting a candle and seeing my husband light his candle, brought so much joy to my heart. Our lunch was amazing, of course we did our traditional beach front restaurant. The food was yummy, a pigeon decided to land on my foot, we got a free meal and not to mention the white butterfly that fluttered right next to us. Yup, I will take those as signs from our baby boy. We ended our day with a small balloon release, little but very sweet.

I like to look back and see how far my husband and I have come after many obstacles that have been thrown at us. I like to see and realize that there are so many things that my husband and I do, that we probably would have never done if it weren't for our boys. The bond that these boys gave us is unexplained. I say this all the time and I will continue to, God has a plan. God has a plan and no matter how hard we try to make our own, his will always be the best. I still catch myself trying to plan my life, trying to be more than I can, penciling in everything into my agenda, but my God has crossed those plans out more than once. I've made it this far for so many reason, but the main on being our man up above, and for that I am truly thankful. 

Happy Birthday my VIRGO baby <3

 

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