Sometimes it just hits me, my boys are physically not here, they are ashes! Sometimes I break down and wonder why this had to happened to my husband and I, what have I done in life to deserve such pain. It's made me believe that Karma probably doesn't exist. .I sit in Jiu jitsu and watch how all the children run to their parents, give hugs and kisses and simply say, "I love you". I see father's with their daughters, and it melts my heart to see that bond, that bond that I have had growing up with my father that I wish I could give to my husband. Yesterday, as I walked down the target aisles, it crushed me knowing that Easter was this Sunday, meaning another year of not making Easter baskets for my boys, and another heavenly birthday for Jeremiah. I sit here and pray that one day I will be able to have that honor, the honor of being called mommy.
Many say, "You are a mother" and I know I am, I wear that title proud, because I'm not an ordinary mom, I'm an angel mom, I'm a step mom. I live to keep my children's name alive, I live to protect their name. I am a step mom, I do everything a mother would do I just don't hold that "mom" title. I go to parent conference's, I attend sport events, I deal with a messy car, never ending laundry, the "I'm hungry what are you making for dinner", organizing drawers, checking homework, teaching the right from wrong, planning birthday event's, shopping. You see, I carry on in life with a broken heart, I have my boys tattooed on my wrist to have them with me at all times, and to remind me when I fall that I need to get back up. A reminder that even though they are physically not here, I am still their mom and they are always watching over me. It's a daily reminder of why I shouldn't give up, a motivation to keep going. I don't know how much more a heart is capable of breaking, but I do know that my faith, my boys and my husband, have helped me get through this pain.
To all the parents that have the honor of hearing the words mommy and daddy on a daily basis, treasure it. Don't take any moment for granted, spend all the time you can with them, hug them and kiss them until they get annoyed by you and then do it again. Use your imagination with them, play with them, build things, dance and sing together, vacation together, prepare them for this crazy world, nurture them with immense love. Always remember that these are moments you will never get back, there are people out there who would do anything just to have that opportunity in life, the luxury of being called, "Mommy" or "Daddy".
Life changes within a blink of an eye, make every blink count...